Author Archives: Hansbandit

About Hansbandit

I'm Hans. I normally write about dudes punching each other in a ring, now I'm just adding in some ice. Follow me on Twitter @hansolson

ODD PAST: Some Hockey weirdness from yesteryear…

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately. Sort of like strange commercials…like, they don’t make any sense unless you’re actually in them…when they’re happening. And even then…they’re pretty non-sensical…but sometimes funny.

I can only compare the bizarre nature of what I speak of through the language of Youtube.

Yes.

IT’S HAPPENING ON YOUTUBE

Let’s get going…Sa-sooner than oh-la-later…

I mean…

Okay…moving on…

Well..not really:

Talk about one hell of a marketing campaign!

Wait a minute…do I sense a theme here?

Honestly…the past is a strange place…

This commercial also starts off with the camera shot in a strange place:

Ok and…what in the world was going on here?

Can someone breakdown this plot for me? Creepy Ronald…Bambi…a kid falls…I mean…what?

Not quite as creepy…but equally as odd…

Why did the refs get tangled? And how about that jingle?

Back to our earlier theme…

Were they wearing Sasson jeans?

Follow on Twitter @hansolson

Advertisements

Nash: Bridges are Burning! Jersey’s to Follow…



Rick Nash wants out!

“I’m not too sure what to expect,” commented the Blue Jackets’ star Right Winger on Tuesday.

“I’ve been with these fans my whole career here. I love them no matter what. They’re a great fan base, loyal. They’ve been patient with this organization and with this team. No matter what the reception is I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for our fans.”

You see, it was revealed on Monday that Nash had requested a trade from the Columbus Blue Jackets. 

Fans in Ohio don’t typically take well to their heroes splittin’ town.

Of course this brings me back to another famous Nash who left a longtime home for greener pastures…

So let’s cry a collective tear for the hearts of those in Ohio—even though Ricky’s trying not to burn any bridges with his sentimental peace offering…

Speaking of Nash…and bridges….

Thinking fondly of moments like these:

Will likely bring out emotive feelings like these:

or these:

(is that Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years on the left???)

So Ricky…just remember that though Ohio might indeed be for lovers…you can expect nothing but hate if you do indeed go.

PS Come to Montreal!!!

HansBandit can be reached at hanswilliamolson@yahoo.com. Follow him on Twitter @hansolson



Trading Miracles for Tears…

Yesterday was the 32nd anniversary of “The Miracle on Ice.” Yes, it’s been 32 years since the good ol’ US of A defeated those Soviets in what Sports Illustrated named “The Top Sports Moment of the 20th Century.”

Miraculous? Sure…but nothing can compare to the unfathomable occurrence back on February 9th…

Yeah…the world is ending alright. When I heard news that Gomez finally scored, I assumed Selena Gomez got an engagement ring from the Biebz…

Speaking of Hollywood…and speaking of this trade deadline…let’s take a look back at one of the more infamous trades of all time…

Nice tears. I wonder if Wayne used a tutorial like this prior to his press conference…

How about some real pain Great One?!?!

or…

or a favorite of mine courtesy of Mr. Hawerchuk!

Too real for you Wayne? Okay, okay okay…

I’ll leave you with this…

but even a fake NHL 93 Gretzky could cry real tears better than you…

Happy Trade Deadline!!!


Don Cherry + Dougie Gilmour 4Eva

Okay I know we’re a couple days removed from Valentine’s Day, but that’s alright.

Hey, if many a flower delivery service can observe V-Day on February 16 (based on delivery) I can too right?

(How many readers out there were fucked over by 1-800-FLOWERS worse than the Sabres against the Stars in 1999???)

Sorry Stars fans, over a decade later…it’s still NOT A GOAL.

Anyway…I’m here this week to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you.

To do so, I won’t be handing out cards. No, rather I’m going to acknowledge one of the greatest romances of the twentieth century:

Don Cherry’s love for Dougie Gilmour.

It really was inspiring to watch. As a young lad growing up near the Canadian border, I was lucky enough to watch “Hockey Night in Canada” on Saturday nights with religious fervor.

CBC.

Channel 6.

Party.

I was reminiscing with my brother earlier tonight about the amazement that was “Coach’s Corner.” 

His first thought?

“The fact that each suit he [Cherry] wore looked like it was made from curtains of re-modeled Victorian homes, with shirt collars thicker than a Man vs. Food steak.”

If Cherry wasn’t talking about the ill-effects of youth hockey players sharing water bottles, he was going to get some strange idea out there for the masses to digest, time-crunches and commercial breaks be damned.

“Cherry always has a message for kids in some obscure clip,” continued my brother. “But he wouldn’t stop talking so they’d have to hurry the Hell through the segment and you never knew what the point was.”

Certainly, the pain of Ron MacLean is felt by all. That’s what makes “Coach’s Corner” so great. The comforting awkwardness, served with a side of old-time hockey wisdom.

That and some man-crushin.’

There was never any mystery with how Don felt about Dougie though.

“Watch this, watch this, watch this, watch this…”



Cherry’s heart…forever on sleeve.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

…and always love like a Don. Or a Cherry. You know what I mean…

And hey if your Valentine’s Day sucked, at least you weren’t this dude:

Follow Hans on Twitter @hansolson


An Open Letter to Ralph Nader: Shut Up Hippie!!!

Hey Ralph, how are ya??

So you want to end fighting in hockey??

That’s cool, because I’d like to end fighting in politics. Or politics in general. Or maybe just fight politicians.

So it’s cool.

We are now sworn enemies.

Not that I disagree with some of your political views, it’s just that…well, however you define yourself (politician, political activist…whatever)…you’re still forever tagged with that p-word. 

See Ralphie, I know that you now have this incredibly boring sports website that nobody cares about. For those who don’t know, the site is defined as “a sports reform project founded by Ralph Nader to encourage social & civic responsibility in sports industry & culture.” The site currently features such exciting stories like an interview with some Division III college football coach in Minnesota. I think I’d rather watch highlights of the epic 2005 clash between Mexico and South Africa. Since you don’t like good hockey Raf, here ya go:

Someone needs to replace the sticks with milk crates and just let those dudes kick the puck.

Basically Alf, your idea to ban the on-ice fisticuffs feels kind of like this:

Actually, not really. But I like laughing at that video.

Now what was I saying?

Oh, yeah!

Back to your lame website. I love how you have a “donation” section. 

So if anyone out there is jazzed on throwing some cash-money at a dude who was reported to have owned over 3 million in stocks and mutual fund holdings, feel free to do so! 

I’m sure you’ll get your dime’s worth reading about how the sports industry needs to improve it’s civic responsibilities. You’ll have the chance to help fund invigorating stories like why bro’s crushin’ Mountain Dew Amp on the slopes is going to kill them.

Anyway, for anyone who cares about your attempt at ruining hockey, here’s a portion of what you wrote to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman:

“Fighting in hockey can no longer be a long-debated issue pitting those who find it barbaric and unsportsmanlike and those who argue that it’s an integral part of the fabric of the game. The growing mound of research on sports concussions and brain injuries has taken the fighting issue to an entirely different level. We’re talking about short-and-long-term damage to the brain, the very foundation of who we are as people.”

Without putting all the readers to sleep—because, honestly…your opinion on this tires me down like eating Ambien while listening to ESPN’s hockey coverage…I’ll summarize how you wrap it up.

Basically, you go on to say “while there are certainly many potential rule changes that need to be carefully examined to make sure they result in a safer game, banning fighting isn’t one of them. It’s clear fighting is not a safe policy.”

Thanks Raoul.

Thanks for protecting us…

It’s not like it’s not a nice gesture…but you should stick to your other hippie ideals instead.

(some of those are pretty rad!)

The thing is, there is no need for any politician to get involved in hockey. Sports and politics mix like Habs and Bruins fans.

Should something be done about safety in hockey? Absolutely! Without a doubt! 

But I don’t care if I like your politics or hate them…if you want fighting out of hockey—you’re in for a fight! 

Because I couldn’t live without this:

Just sayin’.

Then again, I also write about boxing. What’s next? Eliminate fighting from that too?

Yours truly,

Hansbandit

Hans Olson can be reached at hanswilliamolson@yahoo.com. Follow him on Twitter @hansolson 



Is Patrick Roy the Answer? Oui et Non…

Ok, ok, ok…

So I know everybody in Montreal wants Mr. Cunneyworth out of the city faster than Usain Bolt sniffing Adderall off an Al Iafrate slap-shot…

But for real…

Dude’s gotta go.

That said…is Patrick Roy really the answer?

I mean, yeah…he is absolutely the greatest net-minder in Habs history. I mean…three Vezinas, 5 Jennings, a few Conn Smythes,…oh yeah…and like 4 Stanley Cups in his career.

All-Star.

Record-setter.

Man of men.

But…is Patrick Roy still the answer?

Before we continue to anoint Saint Patrick into literal sainthood…let’s take a look at some clips of why we need to stay realistic. Do we really want Patrick Roy coaching the Montreal Canadiens? Here are some things to consider:

First, if he doesn’t fall on his face as a head coach, it could be because he already fell flat on his back:

A lot of fans are pumped on the idea of Roy being a good influence on Carey Price.

No doubt.

…as long as Carey doesn’t start doing shit like this:

Or this:

Or better yet:

Actually…he can do that. Carey, please do that to Zdeno Chara.

Oh wait…now that I think of it…Patrick Roy is pretty awesome, even when you try to make him out not to be. Case in point:

Unfortunately, I can’t see anything other than what ultimately happened to our Saint in the end…

But…fuck it (excuse my French)…he’s Patrick Roy…and he speaks French!!!

Follow Hans Olson on Twitter @hansolson