Tag Archives: Kostitsyn

Top Ten: Speech and Thinking Patterns

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Take Two: Pre-Pre Trade Analyses

GMs keep fishing, but no bites yet.

BREAKING NEWS!

During the chilly winter months, nothing entertains me more than ice fishing.

You start with drilling the hole in the ground, set up an ice shanty, and find a seat next to the hole. Bait your line and fish. And fish.

And fish.

Upon return from such a thrilling weekend, I expected to find a plethora of new trades, juicy gossip, and the usual hyperbole to write about for this column.

Well..there have been no bites, just a bunch of fishermen dangling their poles.

A warm applause for goalie Ben Bishop! Ben Bishop folks!

Wolski was shipped to the Panthers. Whoopee.  Sens receive a Yeti for a goalie (6’7″!).  Yawn.

Come on! This is supposed to be the Super Bowl of professional sports trade deadlines. Where’s the pizzazz, where’s the showmanship?

NHL GMs should learn from the Montreal media on how to hype a non-event.

In less than 48 hours, Canadiens management has had to deny two rumors: GM Gauthier’s sacking and Plekanec waiving his no-trade clause:

– Geoff Molson refuted Tony Marinaro’s scoop for Bob Mac – one of his own co-workers at Ma Bell;

– Meanwhile, Postmedia Network’s Hockey InsideOut was shot down by everyone, including Plekanec’s own agent.

(It’s all a smokescreen to draw attention away from the mediocre on-ice product. I forgot they even played.)

While Jack Todd  overstates the obvious, I thought I’d stoke the coals and get that transaction fire going again.

Gauthier's trade tool for tomorrow

After an intense, data-crunching of player stats, GM behavorial patterns, Red Bull, and a Ouija board consultation:

BREAKING NEWS!

Puck Bandit’s Pre-Pre-Trade Twitter Analyses!

Harding and a 2nd to Leafs for Schenn: Wild replace Zidlicky, get tougher on back-end; Leafs pay dearly for unproven #1

Nash to Rangers for Del Zotto, Dubinsky, and a 1st: Nash is -23, unproven in playoffs; Blue Jackets win 2nd trade in a row

Visknovsky for Jordan Caron: Bruins desperate to avoid PP shortage like last year

Mason Raymond for Steve Ott: Canucks pest combo of Ott and Lapierre enough to annoy any team

Moen for Bickell: Good luck warrior, we’ll sign you during the off-season, but Bickell’s a monster forward with some skill

Kostitsyn, 3rd for Blum, Tootoo: Amazing return for 1st round draft pick bust.

Plekanec, Bourque for Stastny, Jones:  Garbage in, Garbage out.

Unlike the Oscars, I enjoy knowing the winners beforehand.


Holidaze Rumerz

Happy almost New Year!

PG in "Goat's Gone Wild"

According to many Twitter sources, the Habs are about to trade with 4-5 different NHL teams. Seeing as PG is as easy as a Kardashian, this ain’t surprising. In fact, over the holidays PG took a page out of ol’ Kim’s playbook…That’s right folks! PG’s sex tape “Goat’s Gone Wild” is now available on frighteningscenes.com! Oddly enough, rated PG-13.

Here goes the Rumerz:

Habs in talks with Nashville for Ellis, Bourque, and Tootoo. In return they ship out Kots SR and Campoli.

SIZZLE SAYS: Ellis young offensive D, so absolutely no need there. Bourque, whatever. Tootoo, now that’s what I’m talking about. A tank-like smurf.

Habs have made an offer to Panthers for Jonathan Huberdeau.

SIZZLE SAYS: Yeah, here’s the convo…

PG-Dale it’s Pierre

DT-Buddy! I’m good with my contracts at the moment, check in this summer ok?

PG-Ok I will. Wait no! I’m not doing that anymore. I have an offer for Jonathan Huberdeau.

DT-Ok that’s great! Love the Goat outfit in your sex tape, CLASS! Talk this summer, Campbell can’t  keep this up forever! Peace bitch!

Habs in talks with Columbus. Deal is centered around Kots SR. Habs looking at Umberger, Boll, Brassard. Also rumored Jackets have offered Brassard for Weber and a 4th.

SIZZLE SAYS: Umberger, Boll, yes please. Brassard, not unless they throw in a first rounder, or have the director’s cut of PG’s sex tape.

Habs in talks with Lightning, no details.

SIZZLE SAYS: Malone or Downie please. Or how about we just talk to Julien Brisebois about our soon to be vacant GM position?

Habs trying hard to move Cammy out West.

SIZZLE SAYS: Better get a top 6 with size and some scoring ability otherwise what’s the freakin’ point? P-P-P-PANIC!

Leafs made a pitch for Moen.

SIZZLE SAYS: Good idea. Get rid of the only grit we have. PASS!

 

PuckBandits – One stop Habs Rumerz shop: The jokes are made up but the Rumerz are real.