Tag Archives: Montreal

Long Live Aragorn!

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Take Two: Be My %$@! Valentine.

From PG with Love: Will Cupid strike these players?

As the title suggests, I am contractually obligated by my editors to write one holiday-themed column per year of my choice.

This year, I “celebrate” Valentine’s Day.

Before you start giving me the googly-eyes and think I have gone soft, remember this: my wife gave me an ultimatum – give me a gift this year or else there’s a couch with your name on it. So if you’re reading honey, surprise.  This Valentine’s for you.

Trade Deadline bon-bons: Habs fans have displayed a combination of bravery and blindness during this recent roller coaster segment of the post-All Star game season. Lotsa promise from some individuals auditioning for next season, but it’s almost time to jettison some of the expired chocolates from the box…

Hal GillHot commodity (see #7).  Very unGill-like to be so quiet in the dressing room recently. He knows he’s toast. Maybe he can come back as an assistant coach. Philly, Pittsburgh, and maybe even the St. Louis (see #6) could be interested.

Travis Moen – Only 29 years old, the Habs are going to resign him or he’s done like a Swanson Hungry Man’s Dinner. San Jose and Vancouver seem likely destinations.

Chris Campoli – If there was ever a lame duck dead on arrival, it’s Campoli. After his early season injury, he was never able to prove his $2 million dollar value to the Habs and should be shed immediately. Doesn’t sound like he wants to be here either. Habs have been showcasing him like mad recently, but he’s as valuable as Tomas Kaberle at the moment. Ironically, the struggling Blackhawks (paragraph 8) could reacquire Campoli.

 

Andrei Kostitsyn – The Prodigal Son departeth. After a strong first half season, brother Kosts has faded back to his usual obscurity. Despite his desire to stay at a hometown discount, I think it’s time to cut the cord. Sniffing from Colorado, Los Angeles, and obviously Nashville.

I’ll show some more love for Weber, Gomez, Kaberle, and yes, even Plekanec next time.


Runnin’ Wild on Darcheamania Rumerz!

Here is your weekly rumor roundup as per our pals on Twitter!

Gomez will be dealt by deadline or waived shortly thereafter if there are no takers. Also rumors Gomez has told management he will retire at the end of the season!

SIZZLE SAYS: Gomez wants to focus on his true calling.

Habs interested in acquiring Chris Stewart of the Blues

SIZZLE SAYS: Remember Trouble, the game? Now THAT was entertaining.

St-Louis willing to give a 3rd rounder for Darche!

SIZZLE SAYS: Thanks Gazoo!

Oilers have an eye on Yannick Weber, as do the NY Islanders

SIZZLE SAYS: I spy with my little eye two Gm’s that are just as bad as Gauthier.

Habs are interested in Columbus’ Jeff Carter, Plekanec + would go the other way

SIZZLE SAYS: A day in the life of Carter in MTL…wake up in dressing room, practice, pass out, wake up, play game, score two goals, leave energized, rip St-Laurent a new one, waterboard Crescent street, get chummy with local fuzz, pass out in Habs dressing room, wake up, repeat.

Habs are trying to trade for Alexander Radulov’s negociation rights

SIZZLE SAYS: Gauthier must’ve missed this.

Canucks offering 2nd round pick for Moen, Chicago offering Bickell. Senators, Sharks also interested

SIZZLE SAYS: Hope the weed is good in those city’s.

Habs interested in Mike Ribeiro of the Dallas Stars

SIZZLE SAYS: Shit’s about to get REAL.

Patrick Roy has already been signed as next Habs head coach, to be announced at season’s end

SIZZLE SAYS: You have to admit that picturing Roy behind the Habs bench completely losing his shit is a hell of an entertaining thought.

Bruins interested in good ol’ Hal Gill

SIZZLE SAYS: Chara + Gill duo…ENT’S UNITE!

PuckBandits – One stop Habs Rumerz shop: The jokes are made up but the Rumerz are real.


Top Ten Deleted Habs Tweets

(Bonus challenge: Can you guess the real Twitter accounts?)

10 – Skillsy75 

Was told have a goatee looks like a vagina. Doesn’t pay to be nice guy.  %@#&! kids.  Too old for this shit.

Carrying GIo and DD on his back.

9 – PKSupSup

Jokes on Skillsy!  Mad jokes!  Guy looks like an tree Ent from LOTR. Playing 25 tonight, take yo minutes, bitch!

8 – Giostyle21 

Smashed my shoulder! Too much Red Bull last night during the Eyes Wide Shut party.   Never play horse.

Human Centipede 3: Horse Play

7 – Cprice31habs

Looked into stands last game.  Amazing. Could bag every chick there. Husbands would probably let me. $7M-7yr!

6 – Емелин74 

Я притворяюсь, я не понимаю английский язык. Мои товарищи по команде гребаный идиоты. Особенно черный парень

5 – PacMax 

Bar-hopping with DD, Hangover-style.  Remember dwarf-tossing DD and Jäger shots with latino cross-dresser.

This explains his prolonged absence.

4 – Pendejo11

Chilled with MaxPac yesterday. Became rowdy and re-enacted stanchion hit – he was Chara.

3 – Cunney4U 

Redid resume. Can’t even learn language from a latino lap-dancer.  Her name was ChiChi LaRue.

2 – DGVeganWarrior 

28GMs: Feaster is vegetarian.  Get PETA certified, will trade.

1 – RynbendMD Graham Rynbend (Canadiens Medical Trainer)

Growing very uncomfortable with PG’s “massage therapy” sessions.


Take Two: Alternate Universe

Last week, I nearly lost my dog Lucky (real name withheld) to a pretty harrowing infection.  We said our goodbyes. Fortunately, Lucky pulled through, so my wife and I can postpone having children.

I thought to myself, what if Lucky hadn’t made it?  What if I became a Father instead?  And most distressing: What if the Habs were having a great season?

Is there such an alternate universe devoid of 15 blown leads, the worst power-play in the league, a pathetic home record, and questionable leadership upstairs?

The league-leading Habs would have no injuries,  (including a healthy Markov and Gomez), a stable trio of scoring lines, and PK Subban playing like Drew Doughty.  Carey Price is Carey Price in any reality.

No need to sign Campoli or Kaberle.  Wish you were here Nokelainen. It’s that fine line between winning and losing that has seen former duds like the Senators and Panthers rise up in the standings. Do you seriously expect me to believe their goaltending is better than ours?

Eh, Jose! This is how it's done, baby!

Well, shit happens on Route 66.  The youngsters have benefited from the experience and the vets received a dose of humility.  Next year (I swear to Fehr there better be a next year!), I believe we’ll be a contender.

And finally: the Canadiens are a better team under Cunneyworth.  The Fringe universe can keep coach Martin.

That was two years of boring regular season hockey.

Is Jacques Martin Rain Man?

BONUS: Bienvenue to our French viewers!


A Dog’s Breakfast: Shat on That!

Thought the Habs have dropped as low as they can go?  

Join us as we tour the low points in the history of pop culture.  It ain’t all bad to be a Habs fan.

Being a Gen Xer myself, I would like to thank my parents for leaving a veritable gold mine of coked up 70s TV.

Behold, a juicy nugget from McGill alum Captain “I eat green bitches for breakfast” Kirk.  I wonder if the Flower ever dropped acid with the Shat at Chez Parée.

A few minutes of this ditty will make any long-suffering Habs fan beg to get stanchion-ed by Big Z.  Maurice Richard should resurrect as a zombie and eat Shatner’s brains for sullying his nickname.


Ask a Bandit: The Stink of Mediocrity

Puck Bandits,

Can the Habs still make the playoffs this year?  How?

– Gettin’ Desperate

This year’s version of your favorite Quebec soap opera has produced several entertaining moments, some downright laughable – mostly off-ice.

On-ice however, Montreal resembles an has been fighter who doesn’t know when to throw in the towel.

"Look how they made me look. Like a bum, like a mammalucco."

It’s like a descent into Dante’s Inferno – go to %$@! college if you don’t understand.

If the Habs were an alcoholic, this is the beginning of the 12 step program.

If the Habs were a Peanuts character, they would be Pig Pen.

If it smells like shit, it probably is shit.

Not really sure what that last one meant, but you get the picture – a black hole of a hockey club with little recourse but to dynamite from within.

How can they make the playoffs? Basically, Carey Price must be Tim Thomas and the rest like the Bruins roster.  ‘Cause that’s who’s gonna win again this year folks.

In the meantime, let us not mourn the loss of a great hockey club, but celebrate a possible lottery pick.  Praise be to Gainey!

Feeling lost? Need some direction? Ask a Bandit: puckbandits@gmail.com