Category Archives: Ask a Bandit

Jumpin’ Joe Sizzle! It’s the Rumerz Dude!

Dear Rumerz dude,

With the Cammy blockbuster in the bag, do you think PG’s gonna go haywire at the trade deadline?

Dear Fool,

Let’s hope not. We’re talking about the genius who brought us 2 more years of ToMASH Kaberle. And let’s not forget the beauties he had a say in when he was Gainey’s go to handjob guy…(Ribeiro, S.Kots, Grabovski, to name a few).

Yeah yeah that was low. Who cares. Point being, do you think it’s a good idea to get up in Zdeno Chara’s face and say something like:

-Yo ogre, waddup dog? Shouldn’t you be in your swamp, eating people you f’ing retard…?

-Yo Z, the big & tall store called and asked I remind you clothes are made to wear, not eat!

-Zdeno. Isn’t that name from Star Wars? Chewie’s brother or cousin or something?

-FREAK!

Wait, is this a Top Ten Chara insults piece? Might be more interesting actually. To be continued…

Anywho, I think my feelings on PG making more trades would be best expressed with the following video:

Yeah…WTF, right?

Feeling lost? Need some direction? Ask a Bandit: puckbandits@gmail.com

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Ask a Bandit: Three Blind Habs

Two Hams and a Douchebag

Rub-a-Dub-Dub,

A Butcher, a Baker, a Candlestick Maker: which best describes Pierre Gauthier?

M. Goose

Elementary, my dear old bird:

I once shot a goose while hunting in the backwoods of Hondo, Texas with Ted Nugent (no relation to the Oilers rookie).  ‘Nuge cooked her up real nice over an open flame – tasted like chicken.

Pierre Gauthier would neither be a Butcher – he doesn’t eat meat, however he has carved up the Canadiens roster like Bill The Butcher from Gangs of New York.

Nor a Baker – baking often uses milk and/or eggs, a vegan no-no.  No, the GM has burnt too many bridges already, let alone pies.

But indeed a Candlestick Maker – he’s at the end of his wick however.  It took Gauthier three months to melt three years of centennial celebration goodwill.  The fans are tired of ten dollar beer, piss poor home games, the three ring media circus, and Pierre Houde/Marc Denis.  The bourgeoisie are ready to storm the gates.

The Rub-a-Dub-Dub position, according to Cosmo.

In Conclusion:

Thee blind Habs, three blind Habs.

See how they GM, see how they coach.

They signed a Ruskie who went under the knife,

Then fired a coach who showed no signs of life,

And hired an anglo thus causing more strife,

Just three blind Habs.

Now, a haiku from Dice:


Jumpin’ Joe Sizzle! It’s the Anger Management Duo!

How do you feel about naming co-head coaches next year, say Mario Tremblay and Patrick Roy?

Pierre

I honestly have a sneaking suspicion this was sent in by Pierre Gauthier himself.

Co-head coaches don’t work, kinda like people having equal rights. It’s a great idea, but fails miserably when put into practice.

That said, if this is indeed Gauthier and you’re still GM next year, I say go for it. Can you imagine how entertaining the Anger Management Duo would be? It would be the most fun packed Montreal Canadiens season since the ’93 cup run. By a long shot. Let’s look into the crystal ball, shall we?

Here’s the Journal de Montreal Headline upon hiring:

And of course, their TVA reality show a few months later:

And finally, the Journal’s headline once they’re fired 6 months in:

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Ask a Bandit: The Stink of Mediocrity

Puck Bandits,

Can the Habs still make the playoffs this year?  How?

– Gettin’ Desperate

This year’s version of your favorite Quebec soap opera has produced several entertaining moments, some downright laughable – mostly off-ice.

On-ice however, Montreal resembles an has been fighter who doesn’t know when to throw in the towel.

"Look how they made me look. Like a bum, like a mammalucco."

It’s like a descent into Dante’s Inferno – go to %$@! college if you don’t understand.

If the Habs were an alcoholic, this is the beginning of the 12 step program.

If the Habs were a Peanuts character, they would be Pig Pen.

If it smells like shit, it probably is shit.

Not really sure what that last one meant, but you get the picture – a black hole of a hockey club with little recourse but to dynamite from within.

How can they make the playoffs? Basically, Carey Price must be Tim Thomas and the rest like the Bruins roster.  ‘Cause that’s who’s gonna win again this year folks.

In the meantime, let us not mourn the loss of a great hockey club, but celebrate a possible lottery pick.  Praise be to Gainey!

Feeling lost? Need some direction? Ask a Bandit: puckbandits@gmail.com


Ask a bandit: Short bus

First, I gotta say I’m a very big fan of your work; That vid with that redneck whistling was the bomb!!! So, what are your thoughts on the whole Krys Barch/ PK Subban incident last Saturday In Florida? I was outraged!!! and even more so considering Barch only got a one game suspension…Is the NHL secretly run by the KKK or somethin’???

Dave

Yo Dave!!
Thanks for the kind words, it really touched a brotha’s heart namean? Ok, I totally agree with you. I, too, went completly bananas (no pun intend) when I first heard of this story! I felt like striking down with great vengeance and furious anger when I saw how the NHL reacted to this: One game suspension? Wtf?? This really takes us back to a certain part of American history, namean…and FYI some of us are still waiting for Reparations.

So what’s next? Are PK, Wayne, Joel (Ward) and all the other colored players gonna have to take seperate buses from their white teammates to get to the arena?!?!

New NHL transportation for Black players?

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Ask a Bandit: BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!!

Hey there Franky how’s it hangin’? 

A couple of days ago, while enjoying some good ol NBA action, I couldn’t help but wonder: if the Habs were an actual basketball team, which one would they be and why??

I had a pretty difficult time coming up with an answer, I figured your expertise could help….keep up the hard work!!

Dear you,

I couldn’t help but notice your keen observation regarding my work ethic – despite being a Canadian, I won’t hold that against you and salute thee, ’cause these shitty blogs are strictly for your benefit.

However, your taste in sports is left to be desired.  Growing up, I remember watching in amazement at the athleticism of Jordan, the uncanny shooting of Bird, and the Showtime of Magic.  These days, we’re left with this:

So when you say “good ol’ NBA action”, you must’ve been playing NBA Jam on your N64.

Having emptied my brain long ago of NBA ballers and their circus show, I actually conducted some investigative journalism for this blog.

The Habs would be the Washington Generals.  No, this is not an NBA team, but resembles them the most: mediocre team competes in the first half of the game, only to completely collapse by the end. Never to be taken seriously on or off the court. Perennial also-rans to the Globetrotters.

Then again, anything’s possible.  Hell, if Charles Barkley lost 50 lbs. with Weight Watchers, maybe the Habs can squeak into the playoffs.

Feeling lost? Need some direction? Ask a Bandit: puckbandits@gmail.com


Ask a Bandit: NHL is Hustling

Dear Puck Bandits:

How can the NHL slow the game down to reduce concussions? Is that even the best way to do it?
Fast Eddie

Since the lockout, the NHL is branded as a speed league and a contact sport. At this point, there is no going back on either.  All “Minnesota Fats” Bettman and NHL owners are interested in is the “Color of Money”.

Let’s package the artistry of basketball and the ferocity of the NFL!  Train your kids to hit harder, skate faster, shoot quicker.  And never, ever let on that you’re injured or some other player may steal your payday.  The NHL way is to grit your bloody teeth, skate hard, and never let up (unless you’re Coach Cunney’s team).

Watch this:

Now read this.

At 1:27 of the NHL video, there’s an actual hit.  Otherwise, plenty of speed, but little intensity.  These guys would all end up in the hospital if they played the Stanley Cup champ Bruins.

Sure, player size has increased since then, but I think the real culprit to the concussions is how players are educated and conditioned (BMI and weight especially) these days compared to the past.  And with all that green floating around, why shouldn’t they act like MMArtists?

MMArtist Marchand preparing for his next fight in the Octagon

Long term: teach Junior when they’re young to be smart on their skates and show them there are repercussions for overaggressive play.  Ten years later, these kids will make concussions a thing of the past.

The short term solution has been lobbied by many, but is the least popular to the NHL brain trust: enlarge the rink size, preferably to international dimensions.  It’s a no-brainer really, but read the last paragraph here.

This narrow-minded thinking only benefits the owners.  Sooner or later, the NHL will have to choose between skill and physicality, but we all know how that ends:

Feeling lost? Need some direction? Ask a Bandit: puckbandits@gmail.com